Jokes

A man was leaving his hatfield for work when he heard a woman crying from across the fence. He looks over and sees a woman laying next to a swimming pool with no arms and no legs and he asks her "Hey whats wrong?". She replies, "Well look at me, I have no arms and no legs and I am hideous. No one has ever given me a hug!" The man thinks about it and goes across the fence and gives the lady a hug. She thanks him over and over and the man goes on his way.

The man starts walking back to his car and he hears her crying again so he says "what's wrong now?" She replies, "well I mean I have no arms and no legs and I'm hideous, no one has ever given me a kiss before". The man thinks about it and figures oh well and gives her a nice long kiss. The woman is so happy she has her first kiss and thanks him over and over.

The man finally gets to his car but realizes he forgot his keys, so he is walking back to his hatfield to get them and he hears the woman crying again. He says to her, "I've given you a hug and your first kiss, what is the problem now?" She says, "Well I have no arms and no legs so no one has ever fucked me before!". He goes over the fence scoops her up in his arms and throws her in the pool and says "Ha you're fucked now".

How far can we go with these?

as far as it doesn't suck

I think you broke your own rule.

Let's see what you've got, Dane Cook

"Oh, I've got one. A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, 'Get the fuck out of here.'"

If he was Dane Cook he'd get up on stage and scream into a microphone for a couple hours.

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."

An illegal immigrant, a sparkling wiggle and a muslim walk into a bar. The bartender says "what can I get you Mr. kenyan"

'Hello, is this the Alamance County Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes, what can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Cobb out here in Haw River....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's hatfield. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's hatfield.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

Why do they put cotton at the top of medicine bottles? To remind sparkling wiggles that they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

0:57

too far

Why did the sperm cross the street?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

What is small, red, and climbs up a womans leg?

A homesick abortion.

A catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi were walking down the street when they saw a group of kids playing in an alley.
The priest sees the kids, and says to the rabbi "hey, let's go screw those kids!"
The rabbi replies "out of what?"